The Scarcity of Chivalry

I can make the case that manners are the basis of our society. When I visit a country I have never been before, the first thing that tends to catch my attention will not be the flag or the food but the manners of the people. A developed nation does not seem to be completely developed when we can hardly find a smiley face on the street. Likewise, delicious food will not taste as good when it is served impolitely.

Definition of Chivalry

The term “chivalry” is not commonly used in Indonesia. When we look for its meaning in the dictionary, we may find chivalry related with “politeness” or “good attitudes” (red: kesopan-santunan / sikap yang baik). However, those synonyms are not adequate enough to describe the essential meaning of “chivalry”.

Chivalry is actually a code of conduct associated with the medieval of knighthood. Medieval period lasted from 5^th to the 15^th century. Within this period of time, some combinations of qualities were highly expected of an ideal knight, especially courage, honor, courtesy, justice, and a readiness to help the weak. A knight who was skillful at warfare but lack of any of these qualities was no noble knight.

Back then, there were three types of chivalry. These included duties to countrymen, duties to God, and duties to women. Let me give you some practical examples of each type.

-          Warrior Chivalry (Duties to Countrymen)

Serving the King and the lords, giving honor to fellow knights and every human being, protecting the poor, aiding orphans and widows, refusing bribes, completing any task or challenge that has been started, always speaking the truth, etc.

-          Religious Chivalry (Duties to God)

Being faithful to God, being faithful to the church, always being proponent to good against evil, putting the worship of God above all others, etc.

-          Courtly Chivalry (Duties to Women)

Honoring and respecting women, showing graciousness and gentleness towards women, always offering help to women, etc.

In the late Middle Ages, the wealthy merchant class began to be educated on chivalry and the ideals of the knights.  This led to the publication of the courtesy book.  Courtesy books were guides for gentlemen on how to behave.  This indicates that men’s values and ideals after the Medieval era were shaped by the chivalric culture.

Chivalry Nowadays

Perhaps nowadays when we are talking about chivalry we do not necessarily mean to totally equate the kind of chivalry back in Medieval days. Who still works as a knight anyway? But we would still refer to the values held by historical noble knights. Honor, respect, loyalty, responsibility, honesty, humility, courtesy, justice, mercy, and bravery are still very much applicable and needed nowadays.

In modern chivalry, there is no longer division to whom it should be practiced at. Yet people tend to generate chivalry as a gentle and gallant act towards women. When walking with a woman for instance, a gentleman should automatically walk on the outside nearest the road. He would protect the woman from a car splashing water puddle, if there was any. Or simply to protect the women from getting hit by a random careless driver.

A gentleman would also always hold a door open for anyone, especially when they are carrying heavy things or as not as physically fit as he is (injured, pregnant, elderly, etc.). Another example is walk or drive a woman home after dating. A gentleman should make sure if she gets home safely.

When riding a public transport like a bus or train, a chivalrous man is expected to give up his seat for any women, pregnant ladies, or elderlies. As well as when seeing a lady around him who is about to take a seat, he should instantly help her pulling out the chair and pushing it in as she sits down.

Society nowadays also expects a gentleman to treat waiters or cleaners nicely. He should not treat them as if they are his servants. To say a simple thing like “thank you” after taking order and being served is completely courteous. Even adding a sincere smile to that phrase will make it even gentler. Respecting any human being shows what kind of man you truly are.

In dating situations, I might say the rule of “men must pay for women” can be up to the debate. Certain societies have different cultures. This can be discussed and arranged between you and your partner. However, during first dates, I would highly suggest the men to pay for the bills. As men need to show if they are willing and serious enough to ask the women for a date.

Whereas other things like offering his jacket when a girl gets cold, sharing his umbrella when it rains (even that means to get wet for a few seconds), taking his hat off when enters a room, being punctual as planned, keeping his body clean and his appearance neat, making sure the breath smells fresh all the time, and avoiding the use of bad words while talking, these are all the most basic things gentlemen need to practice these days.

Chivalry Gets Scarcer and Scarcer

Is chivalry dead? We cannot generalize it. But I have to say that it is getting harder and harder to find chivalrous men these days, particularly around the place where I live. I always observe people’s gestures every time I go outside the house. During my trips on trains, I often find men would not give up their seats for any old lad, woman, or even pregnant. They step into the train, grab a seat, and if there is anyone else coming in later who seems to be more in need to have a seat, they pretend not to notice by falling asleep or getting busy with their smartphones. Smart move. Awful chivalry.

When I see some couples fighting on the street, I can still find how the men would talk down the women with disrespectful words and gestures. Some female friends of mine also often share their experiences when they have to argue with their boyfriends. I am very concern to hear that there are still so many men out there who would not think twice when they have to express their disappointment. All these cases will most probably lead to domestic violence if they decide to get married.

I also often hear men swearing in public places, aloud, innocently with pride. Other case such as women struggling so much with carrying their stuffs while men would do nothing but look has also become more and more common. These may happen because people are no longer used to being old-fashioned, since most of younger generations do not receive education about being chivalrous.

On the other hand, the raising of feminism might be one of the reasons why only a few men still practice chivalry. The extreme feminists believe that they should no longer be treated differently than men in any way. Well, maybe that is not quantitatively significant. But how about seeing chivalrous acts as patronizing?  Every time men sincerely offer some helps, they are being second-guessed with having second agenda. That is just sad.

Preserving Chivalry

You can plant trees, recycle papers, and use electricity efficiently. Yet you can also start acting chivalrous way to save the world. Knowing that chivalry gets scarce, let all of us start preaching it out through our actions. Do it not only to women, but towards everybody, anytime, anywhere! It costs you nothing anyway.

Do not take feminist’s argument as an excuse. Do not worry to be suspected or judged by being old-fashioned. Do not hesitate and just do it sincerely. And once you get used to doing it, you might want to take it to the next level, which is adopt chivalry as a lifestyle. At the end of the day, you will not need to think to do chivalrous things. It just happens.

I am quite optimistic that the spirit of chivalry is contagious. People will start to “compete” being a modern knight, who cannot stand to see chivalry getting extinct. And this kind of spirit will hopefully start to rise again, being inherited to people from generation to generation.

“Manners maketh men” – William Horman

Pendidikan: Keselamatan atau Ancaman?

Bayangkan kita bermain peran sebagai salah satu karakter di serial The Walking Dead. Serial televisi yang sangat mendunia menceritakan tentang bagaimana kaum manusia yang tersisa bertahan hidup habis-habisan dari wabah serangan zombie. Berbagai macam senjata digunakan mereka untuk membunuh zombie. Mulai dari hand gun, shot gun, panah, pedang, tongkat baseball, batu bata. bahkan kepalan tanganpun dapat menjadi senjata terakhir ketika terdesak. Setiap senjata tentunya mempunyai tingkat efektivitas dan efesiensi yang berbeda-beda. Senjata mana yang akan Anda pilih?

Ketika berbicara tentang mengubah dunia, kita butuh sebuah senjata. Untuk apa? Karena dunia ini sedang berperang melawan kehancuran. Saya percaya, sejak kejatuhan manusia ke dalam dosa, natur manusia sebagai penakluk bumi menjadi berdosa juga. Jadi sebenarnya, manusia sedang memperjuangkan kelangsungan bumi ini dari keberdosaan manusia itu sendiri. Bumi yang saya maksudkan di sini tidak hanya mengenai fisik bumi saja, tetapi juga melibatkatkan apa yang sedang "berjalan" di atas bumi (contoh: fenomena kemanusiaan, teknologi, budaya, moral, politik, ekonomi, hukum, dll). Dan ketika ada manusia yang cukup peduli untuk mempertahankan dan memperbaiki dunia ini dari kehancuran, maka ia akan mengambil senjatanya, pergi mengambil bagian dalam peperangan ini.

Sebagian orang memilih politik sebagai senjatanya untuk memperbaiki dunia lewat pembuatan kebijakan. Juga tidak sedikit orang memilih bisnis sebagai senjata membangun ekonomi dunia. Ada juga yang menggunakan hukum sebagai senjata menciptakan keadilan dan keharmonisan sosial. Dan tentunya masih banyak lagi senjata-senjata yang bisa kita gunakan dalam mengambil bagian untuk mengubah dunia. Sedangkan saya sendiri memilih pendidikan.

Saya sangat setuju dengan perkataan Nelson Mandela: "Education is the most powerful weapon which you can choose to change the world." Kata "change" saya intepretasikan mempunyai 2 kemungkinan, yaitu perubahan menjadi lebih baik atau lebih buruk. Ya, pendidikan dengan kekuatannya dalam mempengaruhi kaum manusia, dapat membuat dunia ini menjadi lebih baik ataupun sebaliknya. Maka itu orang-orang yang terlibat dalam bidang pendidikan haruslah berhati-hati dalam mendidik.

Kita tahu bahwa pemerataan distribusi pendidikan di dunia ini masih jauh dari standard, terutama di negara-negara berkembang dan negara-negara ketiga. Bukan berarti hal ini mengharuskan kita membangun institusi pendidikan sebanyak-banyaknya semata. Kuantitas memang penting, tetapi kualitas sangat perlu dipastikan agar institusi pendidikan yang dibangun menghasilkan penerus bangsa sejati, bukan penghancur bangsa. Persis seperti pisau dapur yang dapat digunakan untuk memotong sayur dan di saat yang sama, dapat digunakan untuk membunuh orang.

Dalam jaman post-modern ini, manusia cenderung percaya bahwa tidak ada kebenaran mutlak. Semua nilai dan persepektif tentang kehidupan dapat diperdebatkan sehingga tidak ada acuan garis kebenaran yang membatasi. Orang yang masih percaya akan kebenaran mutlak sering dianggap konservatif, kaku dan tidak open-mined. Itulah trend yang terjadi pada institusi pendidikan masa kini, yaitu: metode pemikiran liberal.

Saya pribadi setuju bahwa kita perlu mengajarkan anak didik kita untuk berpikiran terbuka dan kritis. Dengan pemikiran seperti itu, kita dapat menyerap lebih banyak pengetahuan. Semakin banyak ilmu pengetahuan yang kita miliki, maka semakin besar pula kesempatan kita untuk bisa berinovasi. Hanya saja, kita sangat perlu memasang sebuah sistem filter di dalam diri para anak didik. Sistem ini berupa wisdom. Wisdom yang seperti apa? Tentunya wisdom yang berasal dari Tuhan (mutlak), bukan wisdom yang berasal dari dunia (relatif). Kita jelas perlu melibatkan Tuhan dalam dunia pendidikan.

Tuhan sering ditarik keluar dari persamaan kehidupan. Ketika kita menarik Tuhan dari persamaan kehidupan, maka apapun yang kita lakukan adalah sia-sia (dan sering kali menjadi bencana). Selain itu, banyak orang berpikir bahwa ilmu pengetahuan dan Tuhan adalah dua hal yang berbeda. Ilmu pengetahuan dan Tuhan seringkali dipisahkan bagaikan air dan minyak. Padahal sesungguhnya ilmu pengetahuan yang sejati adalah yang datangnya dari Tuhan. Seorang Albert Einstein pun berpendapat bahwa, "Ilmu tanpa agama buta dan agama tanpa ilmu lumpuh.". Jadi jelas, apabila institusi pendidikan memisahkan Tuhan dengan ilmu pengetahuan, itu akan menjadi senjata yang mengancam, bukan menyelamatkan.

Proverbs 1:7

"The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction."

Hey Kamu

So, back on the February 20th, 2015, I asked this sweet girl out. She is unbelievably adorable. With all her simplicity and sincerity, she makes me fall for her, really hard.

I asked her out through this cheesy poem I made:

Hey Kamu

Hey kamu.. ya kamu.. si kupu-kupu yang lugu..

Ijinkan aku memecah sunyi, bukan dengan bernyanyi..

Aku tak bersuara merdu, aku takut mengganggu..

Tetapi ijinkanlah aku berekspresi, melalui sebuah puisi..

Di sampingmu sering aku merasa canggung..

Padahal aku merasa cukup ulung..

Kata-kata sudah terangkai..

Kenyataannya sekarang hanya bisa menyeringai..

Mungkin aku rasa ada sesuatu..

Sesuatu yang ada pada parasmu..

Parasmu yang begitu sederhana..

Sederhana yang selalu membuatku terpesona..

Pernah sewaktu-waktu, aku melihatmu memakai gaun putih..

Menuruni anak tangga satu-persatu, dengan langkah anggun seakan terlatih..

Aku tak bardaya, aku tak dapat berkata..

Sepertinya ini bahaya, karena kuyakin aku telah jatuh cinta..

Kamu menguatkanku dalam ketenangan..

Ketika aku lemah hadapi kemarahan..

Ini bukan lagi sekedar angan..

Ini anugerah terindah dari Tuhan..

Kamu memang bukan yang pertama..

Hanya saja kamu berbeda..

Detik takkan terbuang percuma..

Bila kamu isi syair hidupku dengan nada..

Kamu menyihirku dengan ketulusan..

Melunakkan hatiku dengan belaian..

Sehingga aku tidak bisa berikan satu alasan..

Untuk tidak mengumpulkan tekad dan keberanian..

Hey kamu.. ya kamu.. Kezia Yohana Rusli..

Bersediakah kamu jadi pacar aku?

And surprisingly she said "yes" to me. Praise the Lord!

He must become greater, and we must become less.

Dating: Religion Is One Thing, Faith Is Another

I have seen and witnessed how religions affect relationships sustainability of some true loving couples. When that particular thing happens, we might call it as a tragedy. I mean, who ever expects to meet up someone that they could fall in love so hard with each other? They were brought together by destiny, unnoticed, unprepared, and then BOOM, love happens.

Then things start to start. Starting to get to know with each other, starting to know and accept each other's strengths and weaknesses, starting to get comfortable with each other, starting to plan about the future, and so forth, and so forth. All of these would just naturally happen if two people have strong affection, until they face an inevitable dead end called religions.

Two people who love their Gods passionately will not ever trade their religion for anything in this world. I personally do believe in God yet strongly disagree with the idea of "a couple can still get along even if they believe in different God".

That is why when I see some friends of mine  face this sort of tragedy, I cannot do much but feel sorry for them. Their personalities, minds, and feelings might have just perfectly matched towards each other, but for some people beliefs are just so fundamental and non-negotiable.

However, we need to observe it case by case. Because many are just too focused on the status of religion it self rather than in what further extent they are meant to be regarding their faith. Do not get blinded by the religion stated on your ID. We need to think beyond religions and rituals.

Most of Indonesian societies are born with what so called chosen-religion-by-parents without actually having absolute freedom to choose. Resulting many as well end up living their religions like a programmed systematized robot. I might say it would be a big shame for those who choose to end a relationship because of seeing and treating their beliefs as mere formality.

Faith is much more worth it and important to consider, since religions are human made and faith is given directly from the Source. Religions change from time to time, but God does not. Religions emphasize on rituals, but God requires intimate relationship. Religions might create issues, whereas God solves issues.

You can date anyone with the same religion as you but it will not guarantee you to sail in the same boat. People often practice out their religions but do not reflect their faith in God. I am not saying religion is not significant in a relationship, it still matters, but it is better for us to focus on how our partners practice and reflect their faith in daily lives.

A relationship would be much more enjoyable and fruitful for a couple if they have a common ground in faith, NOT common religion.

Cheers!

Exit Doors

The Dilemma

We sometimes get situated in the middle of confusion whether to quit is a wrong or right decision, don't we? A lot of wise sayings tell us not to easily give up. That's true. If we fail, we should try again and again and again (with different ways of doing it). However we need to be careful, there's also a very thin line between being persistent and being a fool. So it is very important for us to have the wisdom of determining whether quitting is right or wrong. In certain situation, certain time, certain reasons, to quit might be the best solution. If we pay attention to war strategy, having a retreat doesn't necessarily mean we are to give up. It's just a part of the strategy to obtain the best outcome in a battle.

Indeed, it isn't an easy thing to be able to determine where is the line between persistence and foolishness. Yet, there are signs that we could take them into consideration to make wise decisions. By knowing these signs, it would help us to be more confident when we decide to walk out of the door.

The 4 Signs

You're consistently experiencing more and more frustration. Any kind of situation brings good and bad. But if it brings you negative feelings for a long period of time, you need to consider quitting or making an extreme change. At the end of the day you'll know that it is the right thing to do because you breathe a sigh of relief.

You've put so much effort but keep receiving a little value. There is a time to step back and think once you've sacrificed so much for something or someone, yet you get only a few from it/him/her. It doesn't have to be money. I am talking about intangible value such as happiness, well-being, appreciation, and affection. Get to know which one is worth to fight for.

You've realised that this short term gain will lead to long term pain. There are lots of manipulative things around us. Never get tricked by the things that give you temporary happiness but actually are threatening your future. See with your heart, for eyes could sometimes be deceived.

Your best friends keep telling you to quit. Real best friends think about your interest and put your safety in the first place. They sometime see things clearly more than you do. If majority of your best friends keep reminding you the same thing over and over again, then it's worth to listen to.

The Insight

Remember that there is no black and white in this matter. But once you've seen the signs, it's time to make a move towards the door. For every exit door is an entrance to somewhere else room. Vince Lombardi once said, "Winners never quit, and quitters never win." Well, to me it is not that winners should not quit at all in their lives, but rather than winners should know when and how to quit and then come back with new things.

Cheers!

Cewe dan Buku

Cewe Itu Kaya Buku

Menurut gw, cewe itu bisa diibaratkan dengan buku. Cewe itu harus dibaca moodnya, gerak-geriknya, kebiasaannya, pikirannya, dan keinginannya. Cewe agak sulit mengekspresikan apa yg ada dibenak mereka secara utuh dan terbuka, mereka akan jauh lebih senang ketika cowo mampu membaca dan mengerti apa isi dari hati mereka tanpa perlu mereka ungkapkan sendiri.

Begitu banyak buku bertebaran di perpustakaan atau di Gramedia. Kita sebagai cowo bisa pilih buku mana yg sesuai sama selera kita. Sebagian cowo memutuskan untuk ga baca sebuah buku sampai habis ketika mereka udah mulai merasa kesulitan, bingung dan bosen sama isi buku itu. Cowo lebih mending berenti baca buku yg keliatannya mereka udah hopeless bacanya karena itu bikin mereka stress. Setiap salah mengerti dalam membaca keinginan cewe, pasti bakal terjadi konflik. Jadi, ya mending cari buku lain, kan?

Tapi sebenernya ga sesimple itu bro yg jadi bahan pertimbangannya. Soalnya setiap buku itu ngasih kita pengetahuan dan insight yg berbeda-beda. Kadang walaupun kita ga ngerti-ngerti sama isi dari buku tertentu, kita malah bisa jadi tambah penasaran dan pengen ngebaca sampai habis. Dan pastinya ketika kita milih buku buat dibaca, pasti dari awal kita pilih buku itu karena menarik buat kita, kan? Entah dari covernya ataupun sinopsisnya.

Tips Buat Si "Pemilik Buku"

Yang jelas kita perlu memutuskan bener-bener buku mana yang bakal kita baca. Jangan sampai nyesel udah ngehabisin banyak waktu buat baca buku tapi ujung-ujungnya ga suka dan cari lagi buku lain. Kalau kita ga suka sama buku yang kita baca, kita ga bisa merubah (menghapus atau menambahkan tulisan) isi sebuah buku yg udah jadi. Well kalaupun bisa, ceritanya ga bakal seoriginal yg udah dikarang si penulisnya.

Hal lain yang mestinya kita lakukan sebagai pemilik buku adalah sampulin itu buku yg rapih, supaya buku itu ga kotor kena debu, atau basah kena air. Jangan sampai buku itu robek. Makannya kalau pas lagi baca buku, balik halamannya pelan-pelan.

Supaya lebih gampang ngertiin isi dari sebuah buku, ambil stabilo. Garisin kata-kata yang penting dan krusial. Karena begitu kita udah nguasain inti dari buku itu, kita bisa lebih PeDe bawa buku itu kemana-mana buat cerita ke orang-orang sejauh mana kita ngerti isi buku itu.

Baca "Buku"

Saat ini gw lagi ngebaca satu buku yang ngajarin gw apa artinya "ketulusan". Cara ngajar buku ini unik, karena gw harus learning by doing, ada panduan prakteknya. Buku ini memaksa gw buat ngertiin arti "ketulusan" bukan dari teori aja, tapi praktek juga. Disamping itu, buku ini penuh sama yang namanya teka-teki buat dipecahin sendiri. Jadi ketika gw baca buku ini, gw dipaksa mikir banget sampe mentok. Buku ini bukan semacam komik ringan yang bisa dibaca tanpa diselamin dalem-dalem.

Gw udah beberapa kali hampir nyerah karena isinya ga gampang buat dingertiin. Ketika gw udah frustasi banget sama ini buku, gw memutuskan untuk ga baca buku ini dulu selama beberapa waktu. Dan setiap gw mulai lagi baca buku ini, ada baiknya gw baca dari bab 1 lagi pelan-pelan. Emang butuh extra effort. Tapi gw yakin kalau gw bisa baca buku ini sampai habis gw bakal bisa menguasai apa itu "ketulusan" baik secara teori maupun praktek.

Dulu gw sempet jadi pemilik buku ini. Gw bebas baca buku ini kapanpun dimanapun. Di kampus, di mol, di restoran, di kafe, di rumah, dimana-mana. Tapi sekarang udah ga lagi. Buku ini cuma bisa gw baca di toko buku aja. Nanti kalau gw udah layak jadi pemilik buku itu, pasti bakal gw beli balik. (Berharap buku itu ga dibeli orang lain duluan)

Cheers!

Two Sided YOLO

This recent popular acronym called YOLO (You Only Live Once) has been used over and over again by various ranges of people. Some of the young generations take it as their personal beliefs. Well, I find it interesting to observe the actual meaning behind the word YOLO itself. Although many use the same word, not all of them understand it with the same meaning.

The first group of people see YOLO as in “You only live once, bro. Have fun while you can. Have the guts to do crazy things. Never worry too much, just enjoy your life like a boss.” These people will try their best to please themselves while they can. They work their ass off to eat, drink, sleep, travel, sing, dance, shop, smoke, and all. I am not saying that these all activities are taboos, but we need to look deeper. What would be their motivations behind it? It seems like they are doing their best in life, their best to achieve self-satisfaction as long as they are still breathing. Since they believe when they die, they die. As if heaven would not provide any better things than this earth could.

The second group of people also agree that they only live once. Except they decide to create meaning towards their lives that will leave legacy after their death. Life is no longer about oneself, but others. They will absorb as much love, kindness, knowledge, energy, and wisdom and spread it around. Yes, of course they would still eat, drink, sleep, travel, like other normal people would do, but it is not their final destination in life. There are things much greater than to live thinking about how to achieve self-happiness, self-satisfaction. These YOLOers will make sure once they die, their positive influences don’t.

Now which kind of YOLO would you adopt? As you are reading this article it means you are still alive, as you are still alive it means you can still make decisions and changes. Last thing that I want to say to you is do not be so afraid to die that you never begin to live.

Cheers!