I can make the case that manners are the basis of our society. When I
visit a country I have never been before, the first thing that tends to catch
my attention will not be the flag or the food but the manners of the people. A developed
nation does not seem to be completely developed when we can hardly find a
smiley face on the street. Likewise, delicious food will not taste as good when
it is served impolitely.
Definition of Chivalry
The term “chivalry” is not
commonly used in Indonesia. When we look for its meaning in the dictionary, we
may find chivalry related with “politeness” or “good attitudes” (red:
kesopan-santunan / sikap yang baik). However, those synonyms are not adequate
enough to describe the essential meaning of “chivalry”.
Chivalry is actually a code of
conduct associated with the medieval of knighthood. Medieval period lasted from
5th to the 15th century. Within this period of time, some
combinations of qualities were highly expected of an ideal knight, especially courage,
honor, courtesy, justice, and a readiness to help the weak. A knight who was
skillful at warfare but lack of any of these qualities was no noble knight.
Back then, there were three
types of chivalry. These included duties to countrymen, duties to God, and
duties to women. Let me give you some practical examples of each type.
-
Warrior Chivalry
(Duties to Countrymen)
Serving the King and the lords, giving honor to fellow
knights and every human being, protecting the poor, aiding orphans and widows,
refusing bribes, completing any task or challenge that has been started, always
speaking the truth, etc.
-
Religious
Chivalry (Duties to God)
Being faithful to God, being faithful to the church,
always being proponent to good against evil, putting the worship of God above
all others, etc.
-
Courtly Chivalry
(Duties to Women)
Honoring and respecting women, showing graciousness
and gentleness towards women, always offering help to women, etc.
In the late Middle Ages, the
wealthy merchant class began to be educated on chivalry and the ideals of the
knights. This led to the publication of the courtesy book. Courtesy
books were guides for gentlemen on how to behave. This indicates that
men’s values and ideals after the Medieval era were shaped by the chivalric
culture.
Chivalry Nowadays
Perhaps nowadays when we are
talking about chivalry we do not necessarily mean to totally equate the kind of
chivalry back in Medieval days. Who still works as a knight anyway? But we
would still refer to the values held by historical noble knights. Honor,
respect, loyalty, responsibility, honesty, humility, courtesy, justice, mercy, and
bravery are still very much applicable and needed nowadays.
In modern chivalry, there is no
longer division to whom it should be practiced at. Yet people tend to generate
chivalry as a gentle and gallant act towards women. When walking with a woman
for instance, a gentleman should automatically walk on the outside nearest the
road. He would protect the woman from a car splashing water puddle, if there was
any. Or simply to protect the women from getting hit by a random careless
driver.
A gentleman would also always
hold a door open for anyone, especially when they are carrying heavy things or
as not as physically fit as he is (injured, pregnant, elderly, etc.). Another
example is walk or drive a woman home after dating. A gentleman should make
sure if she gets home safely.
When riding a public transport
like a bus or train, a chivalrous man is expected to give up his seat for any
women, pregnant ladies, or elderlies. As well as when seeing a lady around him who
is about to take a seat, he should instantly help her pulling out the chair and
pushing it in as she sits down.
Society nowadays also expects a
gentleman to treat waiters or cleaners nicely. He should not treat them as if
they are his servants. To say a simple thing like “thank you” after taking
order and being served is completely courteous. Even adding a sincere smile to
that phrase will make it even gentler. Respecting any human being shows what
kind of man you truly are.
In dating situations, I might
say the rule of “men must pay for women” can be up to the debate. Certain
societies have different cultures. This can be discussed and arranged between
you and your partner. However, during first dates, I would highly suggest the
men to pay for the bills. As men need to show if they are willing and serious
enough to ask the women for a date.
Whereas other things like offering
his jacket when a girl gets cold, sharing his umbrella when it rains (even that
means to get wet for a few seconds), taking his hat off when enters a room,
being punctual as planned, keeping his body clean and his appearance neat,
making sure the breath smells fresh all the time, and avoiding the use of bad
words while talking, these are all the most basic things gentlemen need to
practice these days.
Chivalry Gets Scarcer and Scarcer
Is chivalry dead? We cannot
generalize it. But I have to say that it is getting harder and harder to find
chivalrous men these days, particularly around the place where I live. I always
observe people’s gestures every time I go outside the house. During my trips on
trains, I often find men would not give up their seats for any old lad, woman,
or even pregnant. They step into the train, grab a seat, and if there is anyone
else coming in later who seems to be more in need to have a seat, they pretend
not to notice by falling asleep or getting busy with their smartphones. Smart
move. Awful chivalry.
When I see some couples fighting
on the street, I can still find how the men would talk down the women with
disrespectful words and gestures. Some female friends of mine also often share
their experiences when they have to argue with their boyfriends. I am very
concern to hear that there are still so many men out there who would not think
twice when they have to express their disappointment. All these cases will most
probably lead to domestic violence if they decide to get married.
I also often hear men swearing in
public places, aloud, innocently with pride. Other case such as women
struggling so much with carrying their stuffs while men would do nothing but
look has also become more and more common. These may happen because people are
no longer used to being old-fashioned, since most of younger generations do not
receive education about being chivalrous.
On the other hand, the raising
of feminism might be one of the reasons why only a few men still practice
chivalry. The extreme feminists believe that they should no longer be treated
differently than men in any way. Well, maybe that is not quantitatively
significant. But how about seeing chivalrous acts as patronizing? Every time men sincerely offer some helps, they
are being second-guessed with having second agenda. That is just sad.
Preserving Chivalry
You can plant trees, recycle
papers, and use electricity efficiently. Yet you can also start acting chivalrous
way to save the world. Knowing that chivalry gets scarce, let all of us start
preaching it out through our actions. Do it not only to women, but towards
everybody, anytime, anywhere! It costs you nothing anyway.
Do not take feminist’s argument
as an excuse. Do not worry to be suspected or judged by being old-fashioned. Do
not hesitate and just do it sincerely. And once you get used to doing it, you
might want to take it to the next level, which is adopt chivalry as a
lifestyle. At the end of the day, you will not need to think to do chivalrous
things. It just happens.
I am quite optimistic that the
spirit of chivalry is contagious. People will start to “compete” being a modern
knight, who cannot stand to see chivalry getting extinct. And this kind of
spirit will hopefully start to rise again, being inherited to people from
generation to generation.
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| “Manners maketh men” – William Horman |
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